Con·fi·dant n: A person to whom private matters are disclosed.

It was a day of upheaval at the office today which lead to many discussions of ‘who knows what’s really going on?’ Over the years, I have found that people often tell me things that they don’t share with others. When a colleague and I got to talking today, I had a moment to reflect on why that is.

I have a very specific approach that is largely responsible for people confiding in me. It came to me naturally but I’ve learned to see the pattern in my actions. I call it the ‘Rule of Three.’ But before I explain this concept, there are two fundamental trust issues that should be mentioned.

First, nobody confides in people who will use the privileged information against them. That’s just a basic survival instinct. If you are reading this with the intent of manipulating people for your own gain - please stop reading and seek help. If you are looking to improve your relational skills to become a better human being, read on!

Second, people expect their confidant not to broadcast the private information they share. This doesn’t always mean you have to keep strict secrets, but rather that you are mindful of crossing the line into gossiping when you talk to others.

So, what’s this ‘Rule of Three?’

If I pass a friend or aquaintence on the street who looks a little down and ask, “how are you doing?”, the initial response will generally be something like, “not too bad.” There is a polite pause that allows me the space to say, “see you later,” and carry on my way. ‘How are you’ is a social convention and people assume you really don’t want to hear about their problems. Most times that’s true. This is the first inquiry.

I like to talk to people, so I very often follow up this first exchange by saying something like, “you looked a little tired, and I was just wondering if you are alright.” Since I’ve shown real interest in them, and the follow-up question has upset the normal rhythm of polite conversation, there is an opening for a little bit of the ‘real’ story to come out. But, most people still resist the urge to open up and burden others with their problems. They might sigh, or say, “You don’t even want to know.” It’s still polite for me to say goodbye. They’ve given me a second chance to get away. This is the second approach.

At this point, if I am really prepared to listen, I’ll make the third inquiry. I’ll say, “what’s the matter?” Or, “I’ve got time, what’s bothering you?” Anything that will make it clear that I care about what’s happening to them. Very few people ever ask a third time and that’s when people open up and tell you about themselves. They believe you really want to hear about their problems and, if they trust you, they will likely let you in.
The ‘Rule of Three’: ask three times and most people will tell you their life story. You never know what you’ll learn. People often surprise me. Their lives have so much more dimension than the slice I see at work, or at a party, or at church.

The ‘Rule of Three’ is about being sincerely interested in other people’s lives and making a concious effort to let them know.

So, how are you?

The Go-To Guy

I went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant today and received this fortune: “Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.”

Thought I’d pass that one along,

The Go-To Guy

I was pleasantly surprised recently when my friend Liana told me about her plans for an upcoming vacation. When I travel, my tendancy is to book the dates and then forget about it until a week or two before the trip. Then, there is the mad dash to get everything ready to go and finish up all my projects at work until that last desperate moment when I leave the office at 11:00 pm to go home and pack. Liana has a much better approach.

Liana is traveling overseas to visit her daughter. She doesn’t get to see her often, so this is a big trip. I found out about her plans on a day when she was heading out to run errands after work. She told me she was going to the store to buy something for her trip. This prompted her to tell me all about the wonderful trip she had planned and she beemed with joy. When I asked why she was so happy she explained her strategy for getting the most pleasure from her trip.

Liana’s strategy was very simple. She planned a small task every day that would prepare her for the trip. Since she was visiting her daughter, she had many things she wanted to bring to her and her friends. So she would go to the store and buy one item from her list everyday and think about how much she would enjoy giving it away when she arrived. Each item provided a chance to reflect on the trip and anticipate it.

By breaking down her preparation into tiny tasks, she wasn’t overwhelmed with getting ready. These little tasks also allowed her the chance to focus on something that made her happy, and also created many opportunities for her to share her vacation plans with others as they asked her about what she was doing each day. She spread out the joy and took time to experience every bit of it.

This was a real reminder of the power of focus. When you focus on things that bring you joy - surprise, you are surrounded by joy!

A side benefit to Liana’s approach is that it surprised me with a moment of joy and inspired me to write about it.

Enjoy the Little Things,

The Go-To Guy