How To Be A Confidant
Con·fi·dant n: A person to whom private matters are disclosed.
It was a day of upheaval at the office today which lead to many discussions of ‘who knows what’s really going on?’ Over the years, I have found that people often tell me things that they don’t share with others. When a colleague and I got to talking today, I had a moment to reflect on why that is.
I have a very specific approach that is largely responsible for people confiding in me. It came to me naturally but I’ve learned to see the pattern in my actions. I call it the ‘Rule of Three.’ But before I explain this concept, there are two fundamental trust issues that should be mentioned.
First, nobody confides in people who will use the privileged information against them. That’s just a basic survival instinct. If you are reading this with the intent of manipulating people for your own gain – please stop reading and seek help. If you are looking to improve your relational skills to become a better human being, read on!
Second, people expect their confidant not to broadcast the private information they share. This doesn’t always mean you have to keep strict secrets, but rather that you are mindful of crossing the line into gossiping when you talk to others.
So, what’s this ‘Rule of Three?’
If I pass a friend or aquaintence on the street who looks a little down and ask, “how are you doing?”, the initial response will generally be something like, “not too bad.” There is a polite pause that allows me the space to say, “see you later,” and carry on my way. ‘How are you’ is a social convention and people assume you really don’t want to hear about their problems. Most times that’s true. This is the first inquiry.
I like to talk to people, so I very often follow up this first exchange by saying something like, “you looked a little tired, and I was just wondering if you are alright.” Since I’ve shown real interest in them, and the follow-up question has upset the normal rhythm of polite conversation, there is an opening for a little bit of the ‘real’ story to come out. But, most people still resist the urge to open up and burden others with their problems. They might sigh, or say, “You don’t even want to know.” It’s still polite for me to say goodbye. They’ve given me a second chance to get away. This is the second approach.
At this point, if I am really prepared to listen, I’ll make the third inquiry. I’ll say, “what’s the matter?” Or, “I’ve got time, what’s bothering you?” Anything that will make it clear that I care about what’s happening to them. Very few people ever ask a third time and that’s when people open up and tell you about themselves. They believe you really want to hear about their problems and, if they trust you, they will likely let you in.
The ‘Rule of Three’: ask three times and most people will tell you their life story. You never know what you’ll learn. People often surprise me. Their lives have so much more dimension than the slice I see at work, or at a party, or at church.
The ‘Rule of Three’ is about being sincerely interested in other people’s lives and making a concious effort to let them know.
So, how are you?
The Go-To Guy
